Im Sorry

When I started writing here I believed that it was really going get me somewhere. At first it started quite well. I would constantly try and achieve something, becoming annoyed when I wasn’t using my free time wisely and my attitude genuinely changed towards nearly everything. I started out writing things that were relatively thought provoking and interesting. In fact, many people have told me that, as well as how they preferred it when I wrote in that manner. Typically though my attempts to revert back to that style largely failed.
Despite this failure I'm not going to stop. It's still a challenge - not so much to see if I can 'learn something new everyday' - but to see if I can actually commit myself to something. Over analysing every day of my life is of little consequence and that's all I've been doing for the last few weeks. I'm not going to cease writing about ‘what I've learnt everyday’ because you can take lessons out of simple things, however, I'm not going to use this blog to be dishonest with myself. That was one of the reasons I decided to write a blog and not a diary – because I concluded that a blog could be scrutinized by others and that would deter me from lying to myself.
Yesterday I finally took a step back and stopped kidding myself over an issue that plagued the back of my mind for weeks. Even when that stopped I didn't resolve the issue, acted stupidly and upset somebody in the process. That goes some way to explaining my short post from last night.
I think if you're honest with yourself then you're in a far better position to be honest with others. That’s what I learnt today.
And for the record, from this point on ward, I'm going to rid the blog of ambiguous, 'non-entries' because they serve little purpose. Originally I thought that I had to write them down as this blog has the purpose of serving me and only me. I don't go around mentioning it to people. Yet recently I reread an old post and had no clue to what I was referring to. If even I am getting confused by my own ambiguity then surely it makes writing it redundant. I'll keep whatever is bothering me to myself because it’s boring and I would use my ‘problems’ (too much work, stressed – poor me) to try and ‘spice up’ a flat post.
I also once said; "this blog isn't an excuse for me to have a go at people or make assumptions of individuals"
This statement depicts the greatest contradiction I've probably ever committed. Two days ago I did exactly that and I've never felt so awful about how I have conducted myself. Sadly for me, feeling bad doesn’t change what I did or the effect it’s had.
So, to sum this up, I want to change the direction this blog is going. I wanted it to help me improve as a person and to help eradicate my complacency. This started as a harmless piece of fun and I don't want it to be anything other than that.
A series of school assemblies over the past two days have really opened my eyes. Five people from my school went to Romania to help underprivileged children. Their experiences were so moving and heartbreaking and almost brought many of us to tears. It's crazy that I worry about work or other things when I have it so incredibly easy in comparison. It finally hit me that I have to appreciate what I have and stop complaining about completely irrelevant things, especially through an insignificant blog like this.